Audio Interview, Shauna O'Toole, April 10, 2014

EVELYN BAILEY: Today is Thursday, April 10, 2014.

I'm sitting here at the Galen's Library with Shauna O'Toole

who has written a couple of books and whom is going to--

and we're going to do an interview about her story

and her experiences.

So, Shauna, first tell me, how many books have you written?

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: Oh, let me see here now.

If you were to go to Amazon, you'll

find You Can't Shave in a Minimart Bathroom, which

is my transition memoir, a couple of novellas, Bull

with Wings, The Mission, and a novel I recently published

called Recycled which is a, I want to say,

like a slightly futuristic political thriller.

Takes place mid-century, mid-twenty-first century,

where the United States is basically

a totalitarian state run by a perverted version of the Green

Party, which leads to a second civil war, and from there

a war from independence from the People's Republic of China.

EVELYN BAILEY: Wow.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: Well, they own so much of this country

already, at that point during the civil war,

the president calls for help.

China comes to provide aid to secure and protect

its resources here and annexes the United States.

So the model of the book is reduce, reuse, repress.

(laughter)

EVELYN BAILEY: Have you always been involved

in political activities?

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: Oh, heavens, no.

Back in my before days, before I came out to myself,

and I didn't come out to myself until I was forty-five--

EVELYN BAILEY: Where are you from?

Are you from New York?

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: I was born up north in Canada,

but most of my life has been New York state, Pennsylvania.

I call myself a Rochesterian.

EVELYN BAILEY: OK.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: I went to high school in Le Roy,

went to college at Brockport and at RIT.

Most of my life has been here in the Rochester area

and I call Rochester home.

EVELYN BAILEY: And when were you at Brockport?

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: I was there from 1975 until 1980.

I was on the five year plan.

I ran into physical chemistry which

separated the men from the boys, even though that phrase no

longer applies to me.

I'm going to warn you straight up,

assuming I can use that phrase, that I do a lot of humor

simply because I do.

And I--

EVELYN BAILEY: Pam shared that with me.

(O'Toole laughs)

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: So I did my earth science major in one

year.

EVELYN BAILEY: Oh, wow.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: Could not get a--

find a job on earth science directly.

Got my teaching certification, couldn't find a job

in teaching because the year before I

got my certification there was a massive wave of retirements

and all the positions were filled.

So I went into industry for the next eighteen years.

EVELYN BAILEY: What industry?

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: I was five years at a now defunct detergent

company.

Did quality control, product development.

Thirteen years in the research labs

at Eastman Kodak which I loved.

Absolutely loved.

After thirteen years, twelve were great.

Year number twelve they ended up taking me

to the hospital with every sign of a heart attack.

I was, what, forty-two?

But year thirteen I left Kodak the same way how I started,

looking forward to going to work because it was going

to be something new and fun and exciting and different

and would make a difference.

I was eleven years a high school science teacher.

Taught earth science, living environment,

I could probably fake my way through the physics

and chemistry.

Taught environmental science and now the best job I could find

is chopping veggies at Wegmans.

EVELYN BAILEY: Wow.

Were you transitioned as a teacher or did you--

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: I was a tenured high school science

teacher when I transitioned, and that was a whole--

it was, it was a difficult time and it wasn't necessarily

because of the district.

The year before I ended up transitioning,

I was the lead story on the local news,

made the five, six and eleven o'clock news.

Sodus teacher to change sex.

I wasn't out to my kids yet.

It was tough.

Things got delayed by a year.

The year I transitioned I was placed on a teacher improvement

plan.

I know.

Which was the right of a principal to do at any time.

But, you know, I was--

I thought I was ready for this jump, to be myself 24/7,

and realized that what I thought was well-prepared was basic

information and I was absolutely completely overwhelmed

by the amount of socialization--

pardon me not getting that word out easily--

that I had to go through.

And with hormone replacement therapy, what I discovered--

here in hindsight--

is that your body stays at the age

that you're at but your brain de-evolves back

to being fourteen.

So my brain went through puberty a second time, puberty 2.0,

and it's a lot less fun the second time.

And I was not able to complete the improvement plan.

I won't go into some of the details

simply for reasons of trying to legally protect myself,

but I was-- ended up being given the choice

to resign or be fired.

So I resigned and looked for work.

And it was amazing how fast telephone interviews would

end when they heard this voice associated

with the name of Shauna Marie.

And so looking to go back to school for career number four.

EVELYN BAILEY: Good for you.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: Thank you.

EVELYN BAILEY: Can you share with me a little bit about--

you lived in Le Roy for a time.

Were you at that time thinking about transitioning

or were you uncomfortable with who you were?

And what, if any, resources might

have been available at the time and that sort of thing?

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: Well, I first started

to question who I was back when I was about four or five.

We were living in Utica at the time

and my dad was doing his residency in psychiatry

at Utica State Hospital.

I've always joked that I was his first and only failure

as a psychiatrist.

(laughter)

You ought to come when I do my book talks.

I'm like this but even more so.

And back then it was a serious mental illness

being gay and lesbian.

If you were a transgender of any sort,

actually I would have been listed as a homosexual

with transvestite tendencies, if I recall the correct diagnosis.

It was treated with aversion therapy, forced indoctrination,

and electroshock.

All of which I avoided.

Being as young as what I was, I didn't have any playmates.

And at the time, the American thing to do

was to go for the Sunday afternoon drive.

So my Teddy bear and I had our own adventures,

and the bear would drive and I would be in the passenger seat

because that's where my mom sat.

And I ended up liberating one of her dresses from the closet.

I said, "Oh, shiny," not realizing

that this silvery gray chiffon dress was

something she had been saving for and had never worn.

So finding it in the bottom of my closet was not a good thing.

And she came out and said, "It's wrong, it's bad, it's evil,

don't ever do this again."

You know, I loved my mom.

She said it was wrong and I said, OK.

But all the way through childhood

and through high school and beyond, you know,

I always had something-- it was like part of my psyche

was clinging to a lifeline.

But at the same time, the media messages

were so anti-gay and lesbian and trans.

For example, you know, there were movies

out where a sweet, unsuspecting housewife was lured away

by this lesbian looking for a romance.

And so lesbians were portrayed as homewreckers.

Gays were portrayed as being criminals.

The movie Diamonds are Forever, who were the two assassins?

An overtly stereotype over-the-top gay couple.

And if you were trans, you were a psychopath.

Dressed to Kill, who was the murderer?

The psychiatrist who is transgender.

In, what, Silence of the Lambs, who was the psychopath?

The person who was-- who was trans.

Granted, he was-- he had other psychological issues that

prevented him, but there in the beginning of the movie

he saw these women with different parts of their body

skinned and they're trying to figure out, well,

what's going on, why different parts?

It took me ten seconds to put the pieces together

that whoever this was was making a female suit to wear.

So the whole idea of coming out or transitioning

was so far away because I was taught this was wrong,

this was bad, this was evil, and there was no place safe to go

for information.

So from childhood on up through my late thirties,

early forties, I thought I was the only one around.

I didn't have-- there was no internet

or didn't have access to it.

EVELYN BAILEY: Correct.

And were you able--

did you ever share that with anyone?

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: Never.

EVELYN BAILEY: OK.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: Never.

Very scary place for a child to be totally alone like that.

But who could I tell?

I mean, the whole world was so anti this.

Was there something wrong with me?

I don't want to be different from anyone else,

I don't want to be picked on or bullied.

I was already heavy.

I got picked on for that.

Add this to it?

Are you kidding?

So, no, didn't have any thoughts like that.

There was no information.

EVELYN BAILEY: What precipitated your

being catapulted into your own transition then?

What-- I mean--

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: Halloween.

Halloween 2003 is when the world changed.

Now, up until this point, all the way

through childhood, high school, college, single life,

married life--

people ask, why did I get married,

was I trying to prove myself a man?

Obviously it didn't work.

It was a case of I fell in love.

I think in hindsight I fell more in love

with the idea of being in love as opposed to with her

and that came later.

But that's the reason I got married.

I wasn't trying to prove myself a man.

But all this while I had this internal conflict,

this Dr. Jekyll and Miss Hyde personality, if you will.

Not from a psychological standpoint--

EVELYN BAILEY: No.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: --but two parts of my psyche at war

with who I was.

So we were living in Syracuse at the time

and, and the conversation between the two psyches

went something like this, starting off with Miss Hyde

going, "You know, Halloween's coming up,

what are you thinking about doing for that?"

Dr. Jekyll responded, "Now, don't even talk to me.

Every time I talk to you I get myself in trouble.

That's why I have you in the box,

it's been welded shut, chains, locks, you're not getting out."

"I'm just asking, what are you doing for Halloween?"

Dr. Jekyll, being innocent, said, "Well, I'm not sure.

I could go as a mad scientist."

I was a science teacher at the time and--

but that's not really a costume.

That's who I am.

You know, I don't know if you've ever

seen the television show Home Improvement and the show

within of Tool Time, Al Boreland, that's

what I used to look like.

Beard, shortish hair, toolbelt, flannel shirts.

Tim, that's not a safe thing to do.

It's who I was as well so I could--

But that's not a costume either so I just

may forget about it this year.

It's good.

"Well, have you ever thought about, oh,

maybe taking a walk on the wild side?"

"Are you crazy?

Never happen.

It's just ain't going to happen."

"Well, tell you what, you talk to her best friends--"

her being my spouse--

"if they think it's a good idea will you do it?"

"Sure.

It just ain't going to fly.

Trust me."

I talked to a number of her best friends

and said, "This is what I was thinking of doing,

do you think it would fly?"

And wouldn't you know, every single one

thought it was a great idea.

They were going to try to get their husbands

to do the same thing.

And so part of my brain was going, doh!

Doh!

And the other part was going, excellent,

everything is going according to plan.

So Miss Hyde was very happy.

She had set me up.

And, you know, it was one of these where there

are two ways of how to do it.

You could be a parody or you could be passable.

You know, I've reached a point where I've--

it's go big or go home.

EVELYN BAILEY: All the way or none of the way.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: Oh, that's right.

That's right.

So talked to the person that I've been seeing for my hair,

and now I've been going for over--

well over twenty years and said, "Sue, can you do this?"

And she looked at me and said, "Are you really sure

you want to do this?"

I said, "Sure.

It'll be fun.

It's Halloween."

You know, and trust me, hairdressers, like bartenders,

read people and they know everything.

And she said, "OK.

I can do this."

So during the ensuing month, you know, thank

goodness for the internet at this point,

I bought an olive drab skirt, it was mid-calf,

inch and a half heels, cable knit sweater, black purse that

was a Coach knock off, and showed up

at Sue's with everything.

Three hours in the chair.

Hair, makeup, nails, the whole nine yards.

Everything.

And I stepped out of the bathroom-- not the closet--

and looked at myself in the mirror,

and by God there was a woman staring back at me.

You know, I raised my hand up and she raised her's up,

I put my hand to my face she put her's to her face,

and there was this moment of panic.

And Sue told me she saw this.

It was this incredible moment of panic

because I've been told this was wrong, this was bad,

this was evil all my life.

But then I waited one instant longer.

At that point Dr. Jekyll realized

that she was Miss Hyde.

They were one and the same.

So at that point--

people asked me, who was the first person I came out to?

The first person I came out to was myself

because I had been hiding from myself for,

literally, for decades.

Sue was second because she was right there.

So at that point I knew I had to deal with this.

So I went to the Halloween party and I walked in and one

of the other women-- and even then it was not one

of the women but one of the other women, I was already--

part of my brain was identifying here--

went, ahhhh, screamed.

I was immediately ushered into the kitchen

and I had a dozen women circling around me

like vultures looking for the slightest flaw.

Is that your real hair?

Yes.

It's my real hair.

They checked the nails.

They were perfect.

Looked at the entire outfit.

The jewelry I had borrowed matched the color of the skirt.

I had a couple tell me later they

were very upset because I looked better in a skirt

than what they did.

Which, to be catty, is true.

My spouse took one look at me, turned and walked out.

Now, she knew I was doing this, not to det-- not to the extent

but she knew I was doing this.

And she walked out of the room and I said, oh, crap,

and tried to follow her into the next room.

She turned, walked away and went home.

And that was Halloween 2003 and she has not

looked my way since.

EVELYN BAILEY: What happened when you got home?

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: I was ignored.

Conversations-- face to face conversation,

she kept me at either her three o'clock or nine o'clock

position.

So face to face I'd be talking to the side of her face.

She just couldn't look at me.

It was very painful.

So November first is when I started

my journal which became my memoir,

You Can't Shave in a Minimart Bathroom.

So when people read that, they're reading my journal.

And I wrote it all as letters.

I've take out "Dear Kind and Gentle

Reader," which is what they were all addressed to.

But they're very simple, very short diary entries.

I kept them readable.

It's a fast read and I write the way how I speak.

So that was when I knew I had to start dealing with this.

EVELYN BAILEY: And once you kind of came

to that realization, what year was that?

Oh, 2003.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: 2003.

I was forty-five.

EVELYN BAILEY: There was the internet.

Were there other resources available to you?

Now, you were-- were you in Wayne County at the time?

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: No.

At the time I was living in Baldwinsville.

Syracuse area.

EVELYN BAILEY: OK.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: And locally, not initially.

Locally, all I wanted to do was find resources on the internet.

And I found a--

first thing I did was I Googled transsexual

and I came up something like nine million hits,

half of which were porn, and almost the rest of the hits

were places selling plus size clothing

at five to six times the price at what you

would get at Kmart or Wal-Mart or Target

or anything else like that.

You know, Capitalists, I get that.

But I did find a couple of sites online that were bulletin board

support sites.

And yet this is before Facebook, before Myspace.

I think it was before Myspace.

And had a lot of support there.

Met some wonderful people online through that,

several of which I talked-- talk with on a regular basis

on the phone.

I've yet to meet face to face to face but hope to do so.

EVELYN BAILEY: But--

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: And--

EVELYN BAILEY: --in terms of Baldwinsville or Syracuse,

there was no safe space that you could go to and participate

in a meeting or--

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: None that I knew of.

EVELYN BAILEY: --support group.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: None that I knew of.

EVELYN BAILEY: OK.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: It was--

after being online for about a year,

I said, I need something more and came out to my physician.

And it was one of these where--

you know, so I made an appointment,

doc-- doctor came in and even then I had female physicians.

I've almost always had a female physician.

That was just always more comfortable.

Ding, ding.

Sign!

You know, think about this.

And so she came in, did a physical,

said, "You seem healthy."

And I-- about to walk and I said, "Would you

like to know why I came?"

And she looked at me, "I'm so sorry.

I never asked that.

I am so sorry, it's been a hell of a day.

So what brought you here?"

So I came out to her and said, "You know,

I am looking for a reference to see a counselor

on gender identity.

And here with the referral my insurance will cover it."

So found one down in Auburn.

I had to-- my doctor had no concept of care

for transgender patients.

Was open to it, was definitely not against--

you know, I brought a copy of the Harry Benjamin standards

with me because that was the Bible at the time

and shared it with her, gave her a copy,

and said-- looked through, said, "Yeah, we can do this.

You know, these, these are all very reas-- reasonable things.

You know, a lot of the initial work, yeah, we--

I can do.

We can do this."

So I started seeing a counselor and it was so painful.

So absolutely painful because I kept

talking about my gender hidden for so long.

Opening on up was like yanking teeth.

But I also knew I had to do it.

And eventually it got to the point

where I so looked forward to my monthly visits.

And I think she had me pegged as transsexual long before I did.

She would comment that I was the most cautious and reserved

client she had ever had in her career of working

with transgender patients.

Or transgender clients, I should say.

EVELYN BAILEY: Did you ever try to put

the genie back in the bottle?

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: As in pretend that I wasn't trans?

EVELYN BAILEY: Yeah.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: No.

Once I came to that realization, Halloween 2003,

I accepted the fact that I was trans

and to do anything else would have been destructive.

And I knew I had to deal with it.

I had been in denial for far too many years.

And realizing that I was not the only one, that there

were people I could talk with, was a God send.

And so realizing I wasn't alone helped me through this.

In terms of being me out safely just did not happen.

I had no safe place at the point and--

EVELYN BAILEY: Except for your therapist.

I mean--

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: Even with my therapist.

You know.

And I always went in male mode instead of me.

EVELYN BAILEY: Right.

Right.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: Until one auspicious day.

EVELYN BAILEY: But you must have felt

some sense of this was an OK place to explore who you were--

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: Yes.

EVELYN BAILEY: --and be open about that--

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: Yes.

EVELYN BAILEY: --to some extent or another.

Otherwise, why would you have continued the therapy.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: Exactly.

Oh, no.

Don't get me wrong here.

It was a case of--

unlike Rochester where there were safe places to go

and there are spouses whose partner they allow

will go on out or accept them as being trans,

such was not my case at the time.

EVELYN BAILEY: OK.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: So there was no safe place for me

to be out as me except when I talked with my counselor.

EVELYN BAILEY: OK.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: And even then I would

go from school to the counselor and then back to the house.

I couldn't change.

There was no--

EVELYN BAILEY: And were you still living with your--

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: Yes

EVELYN BAILEY: --wife?

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: Yes.

It was April 2006.

My kids and I had different spring breaks

and we had planned to go on out to the Outer Banks together.

We had done that a year previously.

She had family that rented a large house down there

on the ocean.

And you know, divide the cost up among five or six families

it becomes dirt cheap.

So you know, split the cost and then you

either do several nights of doing dishes

or you cook for everyone.

Trust me, with this figure, I loved to cook

and so I cooked for the household.

And you know, the other women came by-- and, yes, even then,

even in male mode, it was the other women,

"Do you need a hand with anything?"

"No, no, no.

I have the veggies going to right here,

the salad is all made, so and so is on out

handling the grilling of the-- of the meat here.

Everything here is going."

They all looked at me and said, "Oh, OK.

You don't need our help?"

I said, "No, I got it covered.

Not a problem."

So anyhow, that was 2005.

The last family vacation we took, 2006,

she went with the kids to the Outer Bank

and while the cat's away the mice will boogie.

And so I would get home from teaching,

do whatever chores I needed to do outside,

and then I would be me inside the house.

Now, I had, at this point, was building up a small wardrobe

that I kept in the back of my pickup truck

in large opaque Tupperware box.

I brought it inside and started to explore being me

and realized just how right this felt.

At this point I realized that body and soul had

been in this court for so long.

Finally looking in the ref--

in the mirror and seeing me, suddenly I

was in a state of harmony.

And, you know, it was like moving from a local coffee shop

where I used to sing and do music to suddenly being

at the Hollywood Bowl, the Los Angeles Philharmonic is

your Orchestra, you have backup singers,

you have more special effects than Garth Brooks,

more costume changes than Reba McEntire--

now you know what I listen to--

and you walk on the stage to twenty thousand

screaming fans all calling your name and you own the place.

And that's what it was like, and I almost could not go back.

The genie was way out of the bottle at this point.

And so the weekend before I pushed myself back

into the bottle knowing it was going to be temporary.

Because at this point I accepted the fact

that I was transgender, I accepted

the fact I was transsexual and I would need to transition.

It was no longer an if but now a when.

My counselor, whom I saw that week,

saw me for the first time.

Didn't-- she said I could come as me any time,

and when I showed up, denim skirt, heels, top.

Went to go see my friend Sue and I went as another--

I was just another woman in her shop.

And it was phenomenal.

She just looked at me, her jaw hit

the ground, going, "You look great, here, quick,

come into my office, let's talk."

And she was surprised at how fast

I had gone from not accepting myself

as transsexual to accepting.

But, you know, heart of hearts, I'm still a scientist.

I need data.

This was the data I needed.

And so that was April 2006.

June 28, 2006, at four seventeen in the afternoon,

I was handed my bag and told, you

can see the kids on the weekend.

EVELYN BAILEY: Wow.

Did you have a place to go?

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: I did.

What happened there was--

communication broken down between my spouse

and myself completely.

To say things were chilly between us

would be like saying Antarctica gets a little nippy

in the wintertime.

It was awful.

We were literally at a point of emailing each other

from across the house.

That's how bad communication was.

And I told her, listen, we need help

to be able to talk with each other.

You know, I don't care who the counselor is.

Find one that you're comfortable with, I will go

and I will be there.

Well, turns out it was her counselor,

because she had been seeing one for a number of things

that I won't go into.

And she read a letter saying, we just

can't live together anymore and she knew everything just

needed me to admit it.

So I came out to her.

Wasn't how I planned on it but I think it's, what,

rule number seven.

In my book I have a section called da rules--

D-A rules-- da rules.

And if I recall, rule number seven is, from Murphy's laws

of combat, no battle plan remains intact

once the enemy has been engaged.

And basically that held on up.

I had a plan to do it in a different setting

but it happened and--

so between April and June I had come out to a colleague of mine

where I was teaching, someone who

was in a lesbian relationship.

It turns out that she had pegged me

as being transsexual years earlier,

back when I still had the Al Boreland beard

on my face which looks nothing like what I look like now.

And she had pegged me then and she

said that if anything should happen

I was welcome to come stay with her and her family.

And so the last week, a couple of days

before that infamous Thursday, I had talked with her and said,

"You know, is that offer still open?

I just have a bad feeling that something is about to break."

And she said, "Absolutely."

So I was handed my bag, and called and was said,

"Come on over, door's open and we're ready."

So I was very fortunate I had a safe place to go.

If I hadn't, odds are we would not

be having this conversation right now.

EVELYN BAILEY: OK.

Once that separation occurred, once you were, quote unquote,

"into the nest of transitioning in," did you find

any more acceptance from people who you interacted with?

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: There were a few--

EVELYN BAILEY: I mean--

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: There were a few colleagues I came out to

and they were very supportive and accepting.

Which was wonderful.

EVELYN BAILEY: Because it's kind of

hard to hide not living with your spouse

and living with a friend and--

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: Yes.

And-- well, I spent the summer there and right

about the end of summer, you know, the three of us

talked and we decided that really the best

thing that I needed was a room to be me, and not just there

in the house but my own place.

So I ended up getting my own place after that.

EVELYN BAILEY: And were you still in--

were you in Sodus?

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: I was still teaching in Sodus.

EVELYN BAILEY: OK.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: So a couple of days after--

well, actually, a couple-- a few days before the end of school,

spoke with my union rep and said,

"This is what I'm going to be doing."

I wanted to give the union rep a heads up.

And the union rep was, "Oh, OK.

Well, tell me more."

Very accepting.

Found out later that my building rep went

to her backup rep going, you won't believe

what just happened to us!

Because she was having difficulty.

She kept it together for me but she

was having a real difficult time getting her arms around this,

and so chatted with both.

Chatted with our diversity manager,

and somehow immediately afterwards, the upper echelon

knew about this.

So I came out to my principal.

"Oh, really?

You're doing this?"

He already knew.

My superintendent at the time had already

looked up out of date articles.

So I forgot-- once you're out, you're out

and it simply spreads like wildfire.

So the plan was for me to transition September '07.

Legally, I could have done it September '06 but I sure

as hell wasn't ready and the school wasn't ready and no one

was ready and I wasn't out to my kids yet.

And so I figure September '07 gave a whole year to get things

set.

And then June 22, 2007 came along

and I was the lead story for the five, six, eleven o'clock news

and made the next morning roundup.

Sodus teacher to change sex.

EVELYN BAILEY: That must have freaked you out.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: I was doing the item analysis

on the Regents' exam and I get a photocop-- or a phone call,

rather.

Hello?

And it was the principal's secretary.

He was going, "You have an immediate meeting

with the superintendent in the principal's office.

I am calling your building rep and union president for you.

You are to stop everything you are doing

and come down here immediately."

And I'm going, what the hell have I done now?

Now, just--

EVELYN BAILEY: I know.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: Just as an aside, you know,

during the year, gearing towards September '07, my appearance

had slowly been going from male to more androgynous male

to androgynous and heading towards androgynous female.

My hair had been getting long and--

and when-- and on occasion I pushed it little far

and I would get phone call-- get a sudden meeting

with the superintendent saying, "Pull it back,

you're going too far."

I said, "Yes, ma'am."

But even so far as to not have my hair in a ponytail,

I have a call from the superintendent.

But it is what it is.

And so I'm going, what the hell have I done now?

And he said, "Just come down here.

Don't talk to anyone, just come down."

Superintendent comes in saying that her secretary had received

a phone call from WHEC TV 10 about the teacher who

was changing sex, that they had already talked to the school

board, and wanted to know if the superintendent had

any comments to make before they went with the story.

And she wanted to know if I had spoken with the press.

And I said, "Absolutely not."

And she knew I was telling the truth

because she could see the blood draining from my face.

So she had to return the phone call.

So my principal, my union president, and I

think one of another administrator

and my superintendent were all there

and she returned the phone call.

She handled it beautifully.

But all the while, you know, I could tell the reporter simply

wasn't buying this.

You know, if this was happening this

would be an internal personal personnel issue.

We just don't talk about that.

And all the while I could feel my blood pressure rise,

my lips had literally gone numb, my hands

were starting-- my hands were underneath the table,

they were starting to shake violently,

and I had to close my eyes and concentrate to calm down.

Because I figured if I had an aneurysm or a stroke or a heart

attack right then, it would have been

construed as unprofessional behavior on my part.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: You know--

EVELYN BAILEY: Don't you love--

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: I know!

EVELYN BAILEY: --the language?

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: And so she handled

it and she did a great job.

She-- and we all agreed that the reporter

wasn't buying any of it.

So I get back up to my room and people are coming on up going,

are you OK?

Is everything fine?

And I go, yes, just leave me be.

Twelve-thirty in the afternoon, principal gets on saying,

"There is an immediate meeting for all personnel

in the auditorium."

I'm going, oh, bloody fucking hell.

Pardon my language.

I don't need this.

So I go down and the superintendent

says that there was a news truck out front talking

to students and teachers coming on campus,

and wanting to iterate--

reiterate that, you know, personnel issues,

talking about that, only happens through me, the superintendent,

and that it's a termination offense for anyone

to be on out there talking about personal issues.

That also goes for the school board.

And she went to say, "This is what's going on and said,

yes, someone is going to be transitioning next year."

I had about 80 percent of the faculty and staff turn

and look at me.

They--

EVELYN BAILEY: You were the identified problem.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: I found out the next day that everyone,

and I mean everyone, even though they never

used my name on the air, everyone

was texting and IMing using my name.

Now, my daughter knew some of my students through Facebook.

Hey, what's this I hear about your dad?

What are you talking about?

Well, there was the news truck here

and they said he's becoming a she and duh duh duh duh duh duh

duh.

So my students outed me to my daughter.

EVELYN BAILEY: Wow.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: Yeah.

If it had waited two weeks, two lousy weeks,

it would have been a non-issue.

Because the following week I was going to meet with my attorney,

start HRT, and, and--

pardon me-- come out to the kids.

Two weeks.

You know, if you want to hear God laugh, tell God your plans.

Friendly fire isn't.

That is rule five.

Rule six, check your six often.

Come to find out that it was some members of the faculty

and staff, some of which I believe who are retired,

who contacted the TV station about this to try to protect

the children from me.

And I was outed.

EVELYN BAILEY: Wow.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: So at that point I was out of the closet.

I had to tell my spouse--

I was still married at the time--

this is what happened.

I didn't do this but I--

you need to know what happened.

And she came back with some very, very, very negative

phraseology.

It's amazing just how nasty you can be in two sentences.

And everything ended up being pushed back by a year.

So didn't transition until-- or I didn't start teaching as me

until September '08.

I went full time August 22, 2008 at six twenty-two

in the morning.

Sunrise.

What better time to start a new life than a sunrise?

EVELYN BAILEY: And you taught at Sodus for a year after that?

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: I left in 2011.

EVELYN BAILEY: OK.

So there were a few years.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: Right.

The kids never had a problem.

At this point, the state of education

had changed from learning something to passing exams.

EVELYN BAILEY: Right.

SHAUNA O'TOOLE: And it was test, test, test all the time

and I was being--

I needed to teach in a way that was not

conducive to my methodology.

My way worked.

I mean, I had a 92.7 percent pass rate.

Then they messed up the meeting pattern,

they messed up what they were learning in the lower grades

so they came into my classroom with almost no science

background, or a spit level.

Because everything was reading first.

Well, you can read science.

But it was read, read read, read,

and they came into my classroom still not being able to read.